Journal expert from December 2020

"I feel like I had some sort of an epiphany last night. All semester I've been searching for answers on who God is and why my whole life has revolved around a church and him for as long as I can remember. I don't think I've ever seen God without being within the walls of a church. I don't know how to. I guess I don't feel adequate enough or like I can say the right words to feel that feeling or hear his voice like within the walls of a church. But I haven't stepped foot into a church in almost a year and I don't know when the next time is going to be. All of my life I have looked up to these leaders in the church and over the last few years I feel like I've been let down by them or betrayed. I know that may seem dramatic but Ive tried making it feel smaller and it only causes more damage. I am hurt by the church and the humans that reside in it. and I know that it's not fair. They're imperfect. We all are. It's just too hard for me to be in a "community" with people that I know want to change me/ what I believe in because it doesn't line up with their beliefs

I think that Vanguard also did a number on me. The whole school preaches about community and relationships and love- but I had never felt as alone as I did at that school. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like God betrayed me for making my two years at that school so fucking hard. I listened to his voice! I didn't go to a state school. I went to a christian school. And this is how he repays me? Making me miserable? Killing my friends? breaking my heart? I remember sobbing sophomore year begging him or a sign that I was doing the right thing- because if I was doing the right thing, why were all of these terrible things happening? God why couldn't I be happy? Why can't I truly be happy? How the hell is this the right path for me? I feel like you can't hear me or your just ignoring my cries because I am not tough enough. you say you don't leave any sheep behind, but I feel left behind. I feel like I'm trying to figure this and myself out all alone and its not something I'm capable of. Im afraid of losing my salvation- which is really hard for me to write down because I'm honestly embarrassed. I know I can't "Lose it". but at the same time, is that the only thing keeping me hanging onto this religion? I know deep down it's true. it has to be true. I need to have hope. I'm angry at the church and I think a little at God. People keep asking me what religion I am. I wish I could say Christian with my whole heart like I used to. I think God is making these situations happen to make me think about and verbally recognize that I do not haste him, I hate the humanity and judgement and hypoocracy that comes with any faith. At least its got me thinking. I think this is going to be a long road to healing."